5 Ways To Annoy Artemis Fowl
by Reader-Writer-Animator
Summary: Can you guess what annoys Artemis Fowl II the most? Find out in this list of snippets about who wins, Artemis v.s. the things he hates.
1. Chapter 1

**I do not own Artemis Fowl.**

**_1. Cover his study in pink_**

**Fowl Manor, 6:00 a.m.**

The winter morning dawned bright and cold: just the way Artemis liked it.

He got up, stretched briefly and briskly walked across the floor of his room towards the bathroom. He turned on the light. The marble floor made his feet feel cold and uncomfortable, so he brushed his teeth as quickly as was possible to obtain proper dental hygiene and rushed out of the room.

On that day, Artemis felt rather excited at the thought of finally finishing his paper on an altogether new process of nuclear fission. It was long due and had been so startlingly obvious that he wondered at the fact that the scientists before him – dumb as they were – had not noticed it.

That said, you could not exactly call Artemis Fowl excited in any circumstances, but today was an exception. Today, he thought, was not a day for loitering. Today was a day for work.

He slipped out of his bedroom and into the hallway, closing the door behind him as he went. He gave a brief nod to Butler, who was just coming back from his daily training session. Soon, he came to stand before the familiar door of his study. And he froze.

In normal circumstances, he would have come face to face with a tarnished bronze doorknob and a stout oak door with a name plate bearing the words: Study of Artemis Fowl II. When he was younger, it had been his father's, but when his father went missing, he had used it for his own devious purposes. And when Artemis Fowl I came back, he had relinquished the study to his son, drawing up another room for his use. Thus the name plate.

Apparently, these were not normal circumstances.

The door, as well as the knob, had been painted pink: his least favorite color. It was an _annoying_ color. It was the bane of his existence. And it was left slightly ajar.

Nevertheless, he decided to brave the door. After completing his paper, he would sue (and needless to say, terrorize) whoever was responsible for the prank.

He stepped into his study. And was amazed, angry and not-so-astonished (given the door) to see the entire place draped in pink.

Pink walls. Pink ceiling. Pink fake fur covered floor. Pink painted desk. And worse, but not worst, pink laptop covers.

But he had less then a second to appreciate this cerise-colored magnificence. For from the top of the door, when he walked into the place, a bucket tumbled down onto his head, covering him from head to toe in pink dye.

His mind sprung into calculation mode, whipping out various possibilities. And in a matter of microseconds, he came to a conclusion.

There were only four people in the world with the resources, finesse and knowledge to accomplish something like this. The initial thought was Opal Koboi, but firstly, she was in a maximum security fairy prison. And secondly, this wasn't her style.

The next was Butler, but he would never do something like this.

Third was Juliet, who would have been more than happy to do it, but she was out of town…

This left only one person.

"HOLLY SHORT! YOU SHALL PAY FOR THIS!"

** Police Plaza, OP Booth, 11:00 a.m. F.S.T. ( ****F****airy ****S****tandard ****T****ime)**

Holly, Foaly and Mulch gave each other high fives. "Mission accomplished!" exclaimed Mulch gleefully.

**Please review and tell me if you like it!**


	2. Chapter 2

**Thanks for the encouraging reviews! Here's the next chapter:**

**I do not own Artemis Fowl.**

**_2. Call him undignified but perfectly accurate names._**

**Fowl Manor, 8:36 p.m.**

Artemis Fowl was sitting at his computer, in his room. This in itself was nothing out of the ordinary and an everyday occurrence. But at the moment, he was engaged in intense virtual combat with Foaly.

These 'gaming' sessions with the centaur were of great importance to Artemis. They helped him hone his concentration powers as well as prepare him for a-yet-to-come stronger opponent.

And… he had prevailed. For the third time that week. He adjusted his webcam carefully, then sent the fairy a live video stream showing him grinning his infamous vampire smile in triumph. Foaly joined up a similar feed with his, so that they could talk to each other. "How did you disable my last bug?"

But Artemis had noticed a particularly strong gust of wind coming from the window. His eyes showed his amusement as it blew through and revealed itself to be none other than Holly Short. "Hello, Mud Boy."

Artemis refused the urge to roll his eyes like a typical teenager at the insult. Instead, he turned around in his custom-made swivel chair to greet his unannounced guest. "Hello, Captain Short – or rather, Miss Holly." He said, knowing that it would irk her.

Now it was her turn to act exasperated. But before she could retort, Foaly burst out, "Where have you been all week? I was worried!"

She snorted. "I'm sure you were more concerned about not getting a truckload of carrots from me on your birthday." Then, seeing the miffed expression on his face, she conceded, "I was doing some undercover P.I. work. Not that it actually did much good, seeing as my face is plastered all over the news channels."

Suddenly, Foaly's face disappeared, then reappeared. "Oops, gotta go! Trouble's here!" he said in a confidential whisper. The program closed. And took the computer with it. Artemis sighed. Another trick from Foaly. But he'd deal with it later, after putting his guest at ease. "Please, make yourself comfortable."

Since Artemis' parents were out for dinner, their small talk went along for a good hour and a half without interruption.

Holly said, suddenly, "You know, I've been thinking lately about how ironic our names are and how fitting they are too."

"Do present your arguments." He said, as if she were starting a debate. His name was a sensitive topic, after all.

"Well, Holly stands for small and prickly, and I'm all of that."

"I agree completely."

She gave him a small glare, unsure whether it was a compliment or an insult, and continued, "Mulch is a synonym for manure."

Artemis shuddered. "Go on."

"Foaly is, well, you can guess. He's a centaur."

"Right."

"The only name which I can't really figure out is yours…"

"Well, as you know, Artemis is the goddess of hunting, archery and the moon. Fowl means wild chicken. Though, I would like to think that it is a play on the word _foul_."

"That makes you…" Her eyes widened, for reasons that Artemis could not fathom. "That makes you…"

"What?"

"The goddess of chicken."

"Wait, _what_?"

Holly nearly rolled off Artemis' bed in mirth. "That's what you'll be called from now on! The goddess of chicken!"

Artemis merely groaned and put his head in his hands. These sorts of insults really had no comebacks. How could one even attempt to look dignified when he was the goddess of chicken?

**Again, tell me if you like it!**


	3. Chapter 3

**Thank you, TheBigCat, for your constructive criticism. I read it once again and thought it might have been a little random. So I made some adjustments. If that's not what you meant, please explain! Here's the next chapter:**

**I do not own Artemis Fowl.**

**_3. Replace all of his suits with 'casual' clothing._**

**Fowl Manor, 9:27 p.m.**

It was just after dinner that a very tired (and full) Artemis Fowl trudged up the stairs. His parents as well as the twins were out at a skiing resort somewhere in Alaska. Of course, Artemis had declined the invitation as politely as possible. And now, he was almost regretting it.

Juliet had the idea of inviting all his fairy friends for a two day visit. Artemis had agreed, seeing no harm in the proposal. This view had changed when he realized that Holly Short plus winter equals snowball shoved down the back of his coat. This, in turn, led to an all out snowball fight. Which Artemis subsequently lost, because _someone_ had the idea of ganging up on him.

But he paused on the fourth-last step when he heard a very...interesting, for lack of a better word, conversation going on between Juliet and Holly. "Just sneak into his room, and you know the rest…"

"Fine, but you have to play the prank this time!"

"But we have to go according to the list, remember?"

"I did the snowball thing! It's your turn now!"

"The snowball thing doesn't count."

"Yes, it does!"

However, a poorly concealed sneeze interrupted them. "Someone's on the stairs! We'll talk later."

"Okay." The pounding of feet reached Artemis' ears. He sighed. Now he'd never be able to find out what the prank was, or who was doing it. Colds were annoying, but expected after his day in the snow.

Nevertheless, he had collected enough information to put a plan into action.

If only he could think of one, because his fatigue seemed to be wearing on his brain. His only current train of thought was about his bed.

_No, I am stronger than that_, He thought. _I am Artemis Fowl. I will not be defeated by exhaustion._

He decided to sit in his room and think about it. Once he had gotten in, he shut the door firmly and sat down on his four poster to meditate and plot.

**Fowl Manor, Outside Artemis' Room, 1:08 p.m.**

Juliet Butler grinned when she opened Artemis' room's door. The lock had been a piece of cake. That wasn't why she was smirking, though. The Fowl boy was asleep on the bed, in full clothing, and he hadn't even turned the lights off. Had the arctic weather gone to his head?

She shook her head. It was going to take all of her skills to pull this off: Artemis was an incredibly light sleeper. She needed to focus.

Moving with steps lighter than a panther, she crossed the room over to the cabinet where Artemis kept his clothes.

She did her work, moved back and closed the bedroom door. Artemis didn't even stir…

**Fowl Manor, 6:00 a.m.**

Artemis woke up shivering. He couldn't understand why. Then he realised that he had caught forty winks while meditating. As a result, his clothes were rumpled, the window was open and the light was on. He frowned. He did not like wrinkled clothing.

Then the events of the previous night came back to him. Had the girls accomplished whatever skullduggery they were planning? Only one way to find out.

He completed all his morning rituals like brushing his teeth. Then, since he had guests to entertain, Artemis decided to dress up in a suit, instead of something less formal which he usually wore at home. He walked over to the closet and opened it, a particular Armani already in mind.

The sight that met his eyes, he could not comprehend.

Branded T-shirts, shorts and jeans in every color you could imagine occupied every corner of the place. Blue. Green. Hot pink(who even put that there? He wasn't a girl!). Bright yellow. Not one of his precious suits could be seen. He sank slowly to the floor, humiliated.

Mother had indeed carried out her threat. (via Juliet, even though she didn't know it.)

**Again, please review if you think it's good (or bad!)**


	4. Chapter 4

**The next chapter's up! Here you go:**

**I do not own Artemis Fowl.**

**_4. Make him eat candy._**

**Dublin, Sweet Selects, 3:54 p.m.**

Yes, the great Artemis Fowl was at a sweet shop. Not just any sweet shop – the finest there was in Dublin, complete with cheesy name. But that didn't change the fact that he was here, staring absent mindedly at row after row of colored confectionary. Whether he liked it or not.

"I want that one! No, that one! Or maybe–"

"Shut up, Beckett, and let me think." Myles.

Beckett stuck his tongue out at his brother. "No." But strangely enough, he did lock his lips after that.

Artemis sighed. "Hurry up and pick something so that we can be gone from this place."

"Simple-toon." Myles said in an audible whisper to Beckett. The two burst into a fit of giggles.

Artemis sighed yet again and shook his head. The only reason he was here was because the twins had wanted something sugary to eat, and his mother hadn't the heart to disagree. Artemis had been perfectly fine with that. But his brothers could hardly go alone. Juliet had gone to India for an international martial arts championship, Father was away at a business meeting and Mother was doing her gardening. This left only one member of the household: Artemis.

He'd thrown every protests and excuse he could think of her way, but she'd seen through them all (which was quite a feat, considering his genius) on the grounds that he wasn't spending enough 'quality time' with Myles and Beckett and that he ought to be more 'brotherly'.

So he was stuck with Sweet Selects.

He turned his attention back to the duo. Beckett, it seemed, had already chosen his, but Myles was having trouble deciding. "Mango Mix or Grapefruit Grapple?" he finally asked Artemis.

"Whichever. Both. It doesn't matter." he snapped impatiently. "You mean I can have two?" asked Myles, beaming. Artemis sighed for what seemed like the millionth time (even though he knew it was only the third.) "Yes. Yes, you may." He immediately grabbed both flavors.

Beckett pouted and crossed his arms. "I want two too." He whined.

"Fine."

He grabbed an Explosive Orange. "Can I have three?"

"No. You should know better than that, Beckett."

"Come on." said Myles tugging his twin's arm. "Let's go check these out so that we can eat them." And the duo ran to the front of the store. Artemis and Butler followed at a much more sedate pace.

The shopkeeper was old, with a wrinkled face and twinkling eyes. "Not many customers, this time of the day." The man tried to make conversation. Artemis shot down his efforts with a curt nod. "How much?"

As if on cue, the twins laid their candies down on the counter. The old man peered at them and stated the price. As he pulled out his wallet, the old man said, "You should try one too, you know. They're delicious." Artemis shook his head. "I do not like sweets and I would like to abstain from rotting my teeth."

But Beckett jumped in on the protest. "They're really good!" Artemis frowned.

Myles caught on with a nod. "Yeah! Try one!" Artemis' scowl deepened.

The shopkeeper smiled. "If you like, you can try one for free." he suggested, giving him one of the smaller lollypops behind the counter and pressing it into his hand amid cries of "Come on, Artemis!" and "Please…?" He looked to Butler for assistance. Butler shrugged.

Swallowing a grimace, he carefully removed the wrapping and stuck it in his mouth… only to spit it out onto the floor within microseconds. The sickly sweet taste was already spreading on his tongue.

Now it was the shopkeeper's turn to scowl. Artemis was mortified and froze, embarrassed. "May I…" Beckett and Myles' gleeful laughter erupted beside him. Artemis grew more embarrassed by the second. "Should I…"

The old man made a face, disgusted, and started to get up from his chair, joints creaking as he stood. "Youngsters." he muttered under his breath. "Disgraceful, I say, disgraceful."

**Please leave a review if you think it's good-or even if it's not!**


	5. Chapter 5

**And here's the last chapter.**

**One of the reviewers asked what exactly the threat was. Well, Artemis' mother threatened that if he didn't do something (I'll leave it to you to imagine exactly what), she wouldn't allow him to wear his favourite formals and he would have to wear normal clothes instead.**

**Here's the chapter:**

**It's kind of short, I know. But it's all I could write-**

**I do not own Artemis Fowl.**

**_5. Send this list to a certain fairy friend._**

** Haven, Police Plaza, Holly Short's booth, 10:14 a.m. FST (****F****airy ****S****tandard ****T****ime)**

Holly Short sat in her tiny little cubicle, doing paperwork. Of course, it wasn't really _paper_work; they'd stopped using paper more than a decade ago. Everything was logged onto Foaly's databases now, and Holly Short absolutely hated it.

According to her, writing reams of paper was annoying but tolerable. However, typing out line after line of text made her feel miserable. Add to that the fact that Holly usually got only as far as one word a minute, and you had a recipe for digital disaster.

E-work, she felt, was like a chronic cold. It just kept coming and coming and there was no cure.

But it existed, which meant that Holly had to do it.

She was just beginning to contemplate doodling in Paint (the mud men were copycats) when her email pinged.

She opened it up to see what it was and who had sent it, anything to distract her from this boredom.

It was from Juliet and the title read:

thejadegirl2000 : joke's on Arty -artys christmas...

Holly was understandably curious. Sure, humans had a holiday called Christmas, but it was still a few days away. According to what she'd learnt in Human Studies class nearly ten years ago, Christmas was a day when all mud men came together and gave each other presents. To the LEP, it was just another date when there was more traffic on the roads.

She clicked on the view button.

* * *

artys christmas wish list:

1 revamp study in pnk

2 call him goddess of chickn

3 lots of jeans & tshirts, no suits

4 lollipops to lick

i wrote it on the fridge! ;) lets give him what he wants XD

* * *

Holly gave a hysterical grin. Oooh, yes, Artemis would pay for every single thing he'd _ever_ done to her. Right from the kidnapping to their latest run-in with crazy demons. She laughed out loud, so loud that Chix Verbil walking past her workspace had a good mind to ask her whether she needed a nice trip to Dr. J. Argon.

She forwarded it to theunappreciated_genius (Foaly) and foodieoftheyear (Mulch.)

Artemis was outnumbered and outgunned: not even his bodyguard could save him from a prank.

The Fowl boy was going to have a _very_ long day…

**...And that's the end of it. Thank you to all the people who took the time to review this story.**


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